On the other side

A year ago I was pregnant. I had no idea we would be moving. We had just said goodbye to my Mother on her journey to China. Oh we missed her a lot this last year but really I was too busy and emotional about other things to even begin to think about missing my mom. I simply enjoyed our conversations every time we had them, and I was so excited about getting ready for her summer visit.

We enjoyed this summer, and it’s simplicity and comfort. I reveled in every moment of my mom’s visit and the end was so bitter sweet. Excitement for our own new year to come, the growth of things started over this summer, yet so sad that my mom’s physical part of that had come to an end for the present time. 

And now we move on. I am now the proud owner of my own websit, more details on that later, I am planning and preparing my business as a doula as well as engaging in other training and courses to assist in that. Another course starts in September ! I have plenty of reading.

Our oldest is starting pre-K. Homeschooled-unschooled. I guess you could say our middle is starting tot-school but I am forming a semi structured program for learning this year that involves all of our kids. S has told me that reading is an interest however so this will be a focus as long as the drive is there.

We started making kombucha this summer, a blog post on that is coming with pictures !!! We have yet to know if it turns out but we shall see !!! Our oldest will otherwise go through what we could save for college if we continue to buy the stuff. 

I am also determined to pick up where I left off with Kon Mari so there will be another series of blog posts about that.

Stay tuned!

A little note about the name !

I would like to take a time to explain the name of my space. Sacred Stones and Pebbles. For me this is honestly from how I view life and how I approach my life’s experiences.

You see, my life for me is a River, I have spent a LOT of time attempting to swim upstream, back to safe spaces of old, never realizing that I am surrounded by safe sacred water of life force itself. The river flows, at different paces, different speeds, sometimes a beaver makes a damn and I rest in tranquil pools of peace and calm, floating in bliss. Then as all rivers do I move on, and the scenery changes. There have been times in my life where my river has changed as powerfully and as drastically as the Niagara Falls.

 

And then we have river rocks. As a child I always loved rocks, skipping them, stacking them, examining them, seeing what was under them. Interesting gems and minerals have always fascinated me as well but that is an entirely different blog post. Sometimes we have Boulders. Sometimes rocks are smooth, sometimes they are rough. Each of the rocks and boulders and pebbles and stones that I pass along my river, is sacred, they are all experiences and they are all moments in which I can learn something. As a rock/mineral collector I often will find or procure a new find from a place we visit or that means something to me, like the bowl of jasper stones we collected from the gravel where we camped in Alberta, our little children had fun finding the red ones. I also often leave something behind. I have left stones in many places that are sacred to me, or that I am connected to. Because in some senses I base my life on the stones that come and go in my life, that sometimes hit me on the head and smack some sense in me, that allow me to completely lose myself in their clear crystal sparkles and the beauty they give the world.

So, this blog is in essence me sharing about the stones, the pebbles and yes sometimes the boulders of my life as I float down the river of my life, having released myself to its flow, and no longer exhaust myself with what once was, but look forward with excitement and yes some trepidation about where my river will take me.

And one more note.

So for starters, I now have a Facebook page to share blog posts on, I shared a post earlier that can be found here. It is about things you don’t need to do for breastfeeding despite people saying you need to.

I have myself heard just about every single one on the list. And I am going to add one more.

Do not judge someone on how LONG they nurse for, don’t question that. For me I’ve seen it often come down to the amount of knowledgable and compassionate support a mother gets.

I was told in the NICU with my first when I’d asked for the 4th time to see a lactation consultant and I was actually told that “most native mom’s don’t breastfeed” which was why my initial support was so below what it could have been considering being surrounded by “professionals”. I kept asking what time the classes were at and they kept saying they would tell me and I found out they were at 12 when I walked past the room after grabbing lunch…. the LC informed me she was going home BUT would come and see me the next day. And for all of 10 minutes.

So when I talk about being so proud of finally getting to exclusively breastfeeding my oldest, and how proud I was to go 7 months. How sad I am and wish I’d known more about nursing strikes and not had bottles to fall back on or re-lactating…. how sad I am that the books I was referencing and the support that I had at the time didn’t know what I now know.

Our 2nd was a different story, she latched and nursed excellently. However she would not take a bottle or soother at all. I also experienced – with her which actually made me learn and seek wisdom about breastfeeding past the newborn stage. I was not ready to wean her at 5 months and did not exactly have that option. I am really proud of the 15 months she nursed.

I am sad, that I’ve mentioned my pride at 7 and 15 months and I’ve been silenced by others who say “well I’ve nursed all 3 of mine to 2.5 years old”…

That’s awesome, and I wish I could be proud of you but you kinda just silenced me and made me feel like somehow my accomplishments aren’t even worth anything…. and then someone else chimes in “well I still nurse my 4 year old”.

No judgment really, none at all…. I wish that having PTSD did not affect my physical relationship with my kids. I wish that my level of feeling cuddly to touched out wasn’t incredibly short because someone once touched me the wrong way. I wish that the pinches punches and elbows of a squirming child who is connected to me, can trigger a mental snap, and I no longer in that moment have any desire for that connection. And trying to not be scared of dwell on fears every time I nurse, that I might be triggered. Just literally taking it minute by minute and dealing with what comes.

So take that judgment out. Because you never know another person’s journey. I’m proud of my 7 months, 15 months and 9 months going strong that I’ve been able to work at sharing my body and keeping that bodily autonomy that I had to learn…. because it was taken from me once.

I may make nursing look easy, and I may post selfies of me nursing with confidence. I’m learning, I am growing. And every time I see pictures of me nursing my babe’s on my look back in history moments on Facebook I am again reminded of just how far I have come in my journey as a human, a woman, a mother, and as a survivor of rape and trauma.

So don’t judge, and let’s try not to diminish one persons achievements just based on something like time… I nourish and love all my children and I don’t need someone using words to make me feel like I’ve somehow not done a good enough job because my 4 year old isn’t nursing anymore….. because sometimes nursing is hard. Not physically but emotionally and that doesn’t show. I can’t sit here and say how long I will nurse our baby, he has a lactose allergy which complicates things, and I have PTSD which complicates things. I do know that with our 2nd the decision was made 2 months before the final nurse, and it was a slow, gentle and intentional stop. She finally took a bottle from dad and I began to see a bond form between them that hadn’t existed before. Our oldest got her first feed from dad and has always been nourished by both parents. Her bond with her dad is something I have truly been jealous of and love to see grow. I had to come to terms with the fact that our oldest first out of womb attachment was her dad. Because they have an amazing something. Something I have come to respect and cherish and something I want to nourish as the years go on. Because that initial attachment, I’ve got that with our younger 2, I’ve seen it grow with dad, and I’ve seen my attachment grow with our oldest.  It drew me to AP in the beginning, and despite extended nursing being a part of attachment patenting, it really doesn’t have to be as contest like as it sometimes comes across as.

Thanks for reading my long winded twisting post.

I can now be found on Facebook and Instagram !

https://m.facebook.com/sacredstonesandpebbles/

@sacredstonesandpebbles  !!!

A breath of fresh Air

Its July now, June is a month that always re-triggers traumatic memories for me. I often talk about life being a river, and its exhausting paddling back up-stream, so its better to go with the flow. Trauma is weird in that triggers can be residual, so it’s not so much as paddling upstream to return somewhere else, so much as for a moment in my journey on the flow, I am struggling simply to stay afloat. Keeping my head up, and grabbing onto something to keep me going, is my one and main priority, because it’s not always clear to me what is going to trigger an attack.

This year, was phenomenally better. Maybe this last year, has really shown me that, I fucking have this. I own my life, I own my memories and I fucking own exactly how I think and react to them. For the most part. Being honest here. Complex PTSD is a diagnosis, and not something I can just wish away with good thoughts and a lot of meditation. It helps, but being prepared for the attacks against my person, my mind and my soul, takes diligence and perseverance and a sacred focus on my inner self. It means sticking up for myself, and also being vocal, saying “hey guess what, sorry I’ve been a bitch all June, it happens, but trust me, im coming out of my shell again, regaining my feeling of mental safety and not having to protect myself so fucking hard, so that I can remain focused and patient with what happens within the walls of my home and the busy reality of a family that has grown by one and moved entirely across the country within the last 9 months. I ask forgiveness for my selfishness and ignoring of people, I always feel like shit when I read old messages from june that I just couldn’t even think of words to respond to. Opportunities to get together with people, people who have said hello that I just couldn’t even respond to. And I am proud, because even this year, instead of completely blocking everything outside my world out, my world which has grown so much larger and more beautiful over the last 8 years, I didn’t completely stay to myself. I have stayed somewhat social, even if I have stayed within the absolute known safety of my social circle in this new place that I am becoming accustomed to. Because part of PTSD is making sure whatever else that safety is there, and that escape routes are plenty.

And Just like I said, in a Facebook post at the beginning of the month. I am fucking here on the other side. Stronger in mind, body, soul and spirit. I have addressed, checked and learned so much about myself, as usual in the month of June. Maybe part of what is different this year, is that like every other challenge of the last year, from becoming strong enough to birth our son not only at home, naturally, but alone, unattended with no one other than my strong amazing husband. Maybe its part of the strength that comes with abandoning all expectations and releasing ones life up to the unknown, and pack everything up and move thousands of miles away from the only home I have ever known. Maybe its part of the fact that I have learned to treat all experiences as learning experiences, and that this year, when June rolled around, instead of dreading and being so fearful of the demons I knew would come, I sat down, made a fucking cup of tea, added some wonderful honey made by a dear friend and some Bees from back home, surrounded myself with crystals and candles and beautiful beaded things, and sat those demons down and said “hello old, for lack of a better word, friend…. what are you hear to teach me this year, because I’m fucking ready this time”.

And here, on the other side, I am. As always. As I fully expected myself to be.

One of those moments

So of course I’ve been told that my post about tech came across as bitchy. Seriously if you think I’m high and mighty about the fact my kids can’t use a tablet then please take a step back before judging me.

I’ve had 3 children the oldest of whom just turned 4 this month. Right after and I mean immediately as in the day after our youngest was born we found out we would be selling our home and moving across the country.

The television has been my best friend and a source of my sanity just as much as it is now a source of my insanity now that we are settled. Our kids are TV bums to the max and it’s totally of my own design.

Am I guilty? No. Frustrated when the kids are constantly asking for a movie, or suddenly don’t want to watch what they did 5 minutes ago? Yes. Certain shows as well with fast paced animation definitley do get our kids wound up. And we are finally settling enough that I’m done and focusing on removing TV time from our days. My children put up fights and tantrums like only little minds who are slightly addicted to the screen will but I’m finally not having to be so strong about everything else, that I have strength in me to say no, the TV is off and mom has time to do something with you. Read a book or start them off on a little game then slowly leave them alone to their own imaginary play that evolves best without my interference, and get things done.

Our baby has insisted on going to sleep for his naps while on my back in the wrap after a good nursing time, workout? Something else I haven’t found time for lately. Side lunges, squats and torso twists while gently moving him to sleep. I’m so happy that he transfers to his bed so well. For his afternoon nap today I’m adding my weighted gloves and doing some cardio boxing punches. With almost 20 lbs of added weight on my back.

I’ve been having issues with my back, baby wearing has actually helped as it forces me to stand straight and balanced. It’s surprising to me how quickly my body is adjusting back to normal with a focus on its healing and strength.

My life lately has come down to a constant reminder to be grounded and focused. It helps me to approach my days tasks of dishes and laundry and putting things away. It helps me have patience and compassion and respect to the young minds that are forming under my guidance and care.

I picked up my knitting needles again. I’m knitting socks. I’ve realized I don’t wear socks and I really don’t, sandals or bare foot in summer and my Mukluks in the winter sans socks. But I figure if I wear socks I want beautiful hand knit ones. The pattern I’m knitting works in 4 rounds. So i periodically sit down and sit, just to knit 2 rows and remember to be still and think and refocus. Then onto what’s next.

Have a wonderful Monday !!! Hope you enjoyed this little look at a few moments of thoughts that run through my head.

What to expect ?

If you haven’t already gathered, I’m not against going against the cute and cushy posts. For the record, sea pearls are possibly the most amazing moontime product I’ve ever used.

This is because little of my life has been cute and cushy. I’m a rape survivor, I live daily with PTSD. I have experienced birth trauma, as well as incredible healing through birth. These are stories and experiences I will share.

I am also a woman of color, indigenous to north America. This has also been a part of my life, and has brought beauty as well as pain. Intergenerational trauma and racism is something I contend with in my daily life. This is also something I will talk about.

These are my experiences and great care is put into how I word them. Because to mis-word something is to mis-represent myself.

I have a number of subjects on the go, brain children that need to grow and flourish in word before being shared, and I am excited to voice them as well as apprehensive and nervous. But I believe my voice should not be silent. And so I will try to keep up with posting.

Something I never thought of.

I’m a woman. I’ve bled every month since I was 10. I am also a child sexual abuse warrior and survivor. A topic that while I realize makes people uncomfortable, is one that will come up frequently as I talk about my life..
You know how to stop reading right ?

So sea pearls. The sponges I mentioned. I feel NOTHING. Like I’m unaware it’s there.

I’m suddenly aware of the fact that the “feeling of something down there” be it a pad, or a tampon. Subtly triggered me. Moontime is never a walk in the park for women, but I will say that suddenly, feeling the lack of something constantly in or near my Vagina…. it’s fucking liberating. I want to shout from the roof tops about how happy I’m feeling right now. Happy Having my period and not feeling like it’s invading my time, space and body. I feel like I am at flow with my body and my mind has finally been given the ability and the tools to follow that flow. My mind protecting me for years from an actual PTSD trigger every month, is finally resting. Good job brain. 

A little moon time talk

Today is a new Moon, so it really doesn’t surprise me that my cycle has started today. What is the suprise is that this marks the start of my cycle returning post baby.
I had a short cycle at 3 months PP, brought on I believe in part by stress and because our baby was sleeping 12 hours through the night disrupting my hormone release. Sure enough he ended that but my cycle did not return again until today.

But… for the first time in my life, I’m not dreading shark week. You see 4 months ago I realized I was woefully unprepared. All I had was my mama cloth and I didn’t even know where I had packed it. I had decided I wanted to explore alternatives to moontime care ages ago and kept getting pregnant (I have had my cycle about 6 times in the last 4 years ?

I finally purchased a diva cup, I got some sea pearls (sponges that act like tampons without the risk of TSS and also reusable. And I placed it all in one of my mom’s old suit cases she left me to use.

I also added some body scrub, my favorite chocolate and everything I need for some serious attention to self-care and nourishment during this time.

For the first time I felt prepared. Today when I saw blood, I drew a bath, added salts and oils, lit a candle. I’ve entered into this time, like it’s the sacred time that it is. Respecting it. Loving and appreciating for the first time really what my moontime means.

I can’t explain it other than I have a new appreciation and focus on what it is that my body is doing and what it is capable of doing. And I see the beauty in it.

Happy Monday !

Ok ! Challenges for this week are…

1. Every day work on a blog post. I have 5 subjects written down that I’d like to expand on. So this challenge involves expanding on these and getting my thoughts out of my mind onto paper. Rough draft and no worries about edits or flow.

2. Keep up with my dishes. This means having clear counters and an empty dish rack at least once a day for a few moments. That’s achievable and also to understand that this isn’t just me. If something else happens to need my attention I have 2 able-bodied adults here to enlist the help of. Hopefully keeping up will mean a constant flow of less dishes.

3. Conscious focused physical activity every day. 5 minutes doing squats and planks or weights counts and taking time to stretch. Sometimes 5 minutes is all you can get. Bonus points for wearing my 17 lbs of 7 month old for added weights !

I am having a lot of fun with adding new flavors and recipes to my repertoiur, I have new fancy recipe cards so maybe that adds to the fun ! But that will continue. Today we have pork chops I picked out of the freezer with my eyes closed (adds to the excitement) so I’ll see what comes up for the crock pot on pinterest today. The crock pot is awesome during a heat wave when cooking is a horrible hot chore.

And of course beading will continue, I need to finish T’s rosette and well, it’s become an act of calming and focusing my thoughts. But that’s actually a topic for challenge one so more on this later.

Today has been an amazing Monday, DH has switched from his night shift rotation to days, and this is the first time that the switch has come without the normal adjustment for the older kids. They know what to expect. S asked me this morning if, because dad was at work this morning, will he be home after snack today? And here to read a story before bedtime? Our rhythm is once again falling into our realm of normal.

They are having a popsicle, watching Sid the Science Kid while the baby has a glorious long nap. Giving me time to write. We’ve watched the same 10 episodes since we found this show recently. I like to be purposefully repetitive with educational shows like this and Super why. It helps to embed if firmly in their minds and they focus more when they remember. It doesn’t change as much and they don’t watch 48 episodes before going back to the same thing. They have been really into their charts, we made one for using the potty and it’s been a huge hit with both of our potty learners age almost 4 and 2.5. I’ll expand on the trials of our potty journey later on as I’ve learned things and wish I’d done things differently or not at all…. wisdom possibly worth sharing. And the freezing episode. We’ve made popsicles and explored freezing and melting and hot and cold. It’s been amazing for my un-schooling frame of mind.

One thing about me, I’m relatively against a lot of tech in young kids lives. TV is about the extent and I am picky about content and quality of the programming. We have committed to a Home-schooled elementary education for our children and I personally see no reason for us to use an app to teach our children what I can do myself hands on and together. So yes I’m kinda happy of the fact that our kids wouldn’t know what to do with an iPad if you gave them one. They respect that mom and dad’s phones are not toys. They have never been used as entertainment or education devices for our children and I intend to keep it that way. Technology has its place and a time and right now, is not that time.
And yes maybe I smugly know that not only can kids survive and thrive without it, but so can I. We did an 8 day trek across the country with 3 children under 4 and didn’t use a screen once to entertain our kids. Not counting TVs in hotel rooms at night after a long swim in the pool. We didn’t “survive”, we made a point that we weren’t going to use technology after I had a number of people literally laugh at me and tell me that we wouldn’t be able to do it. It kind of lit a fire for me to prove those nay-sayers wrong. And I did.

I’m not here to judge how much tech kids have, or debate reasons why we restrict and limit it. To answer the question of why I will simply respond with “why not” with a shrug. I really leave this as a “to each their own” type of subject.

But the baby is awake and popsicles are done. And my dishes are waiting for me.  Until next time, have yourself a happy Monday 🙂

Life’s challenges. Why add more?

Motherhood and life are challenging enough. Really why add more challenges to the mix? I’ll tell you what I’ve discovered. Challenging yourself can actually improve life’s more mundane aspects.

This last week I challenged myself to bead every day (oh the horrors). Even if it’s been a few beads, or half of one earing… or fiddling with a new technique for 10 minutes before getting frustrated… I have beaded every day. I’ve created beautiful things. I’ve had deep thoughts with myself, about this blog and about what the future holds and the present is teaching me. I have had amazing conversations with my recently incredibly vocal almost 4-year-old who likes to watch.

I’ve made a point as well to do something new for dinner each night. One aspect of dinner be it the meat, veggies or starch HAS to be something I have never done before.

This was honestly spurred on by having to find new ways to prepare cucumbers as I was given like 35 mini ones for $3 at one of the local Saturday markets. How many ways CAN you make a cucumber tasty (more to come on that). But it has meant increasing my “flavor ingredients”, cock brand fish sauce made my husband and I laugh. And it has opened me up to other aspects of cooking other dishes.

Tomorrow the plan is to have balsamic glazed pork loin. I’ve never made a pork loin before !!!

By Sunday I want to have 2 more challenges to focus on, and I am up for suggestions !